


Guilty All The Same

by danrifics



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-08-12 23:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danrifics/pseuds/danrifics
Summary: Maybe Dan didn’t mean it, or maybe he did. But now he’s in prison and everyone seems out to get him.While he’s navigating the hell that is Prison, Phil is navigating a much different one. The media storm.





	1. Chapter 1

The shower is hot, thank God, but the pressure as usual is awful. Dan’s just glad he doesn’t need to wash his hair today. He stands facing the shower, water cascading down his front. A sigh escapes his lips. He glances down at his hands, they’re still bruised but the cuts are starting to heal. He closes his eyes tight and looks up into the stream of water. He feels good, well as good as things can feel in the situation he’s in. The water begins to get cold and Dan knows that’s his cue to get out. He grabs his towel and wraps it around his waist. His clothes are sat on one of the benches in the middle of the shower room, he pushes past a few guys to get to it. He used to be scared of them when he first got here. Now he doesn’t give a shit. 

He gets dressed into his prison issued grey sweatpants and gray crew neck sweater, in few months he’ll get outside clothes privileges but for now this is what he has. 

He heads towards the sinks and looks at himself the best he can in the sheet of metal that’s supposed to be a mirror. The bruise on the side of his face is starting to fade and the swelling in his lip has gone down a lot. He hopes he’s starting to look like himself again. He runs his long fingers through his curly hair and then tries to make it look presentable. He doesn’t have much luck, the shampoo they get given isn’t for curly hair and it’s really starting to take a toll.

“You look fine, mate” A voice says from behind him.

Dan turns around to face his friend, Scott, one of the only friends he’s made in the month and a half he’s been here.

“I look like shit” He says, bluntly.

“Why do you suddenly care how you look?” Scott pushes some of Dan’s curls off of his face.

“Got visitation today, mate” Dan says swatting Scott’s hand away.

Scott looks around before he whispers “Oh, the mysterious boyfriend is coming at last”

"Husband" Dan corrects with a smile. Phil’s finally coming to see him.

*

Dan and Scott leave the bathroom when one of the gangs walk in, neither of them want any trouble. They had back to the main social area of their prison block. Dan still has a few hours until visitation starts. 

He listens to Scott rambles something about what his daughter has been up to lately. Scott loves to talk about his daughter and how amazing she is and Dan loves to listen. He remembers meeting Scott on his first day.

*

_ Dan had felt drained, he’d been sitting in processing all day and they were finally taking him into general population. He wasn’t sure if he was scared to be there or if his emotions were still running wild. He was given a short tour before being taken to his cell and that’s where he met Scott. _

_ “Alright, mate?” Scott greeted “I’m Scott Ramos” _

_ “Dan Howell” _

_ “Holy shit” Scott’s eyes widen “I know you! You’re that bloke on youtube. My daughter loves you!” _

_ “I bet she doesn’t anymore” _

_ * _

Dan is pulled out of his thoughts and Scott’s story is interrupted when one of the guards beings speaking through a megaphone.

“Inmates, if your name is called line up for visitation” The guard says and then begins to list off names. He calls about 10 people off before… “Inmate 23871, Daniel Howell.” A few more people are listed off and then they’re led out to the visitation room.

The visitation room is small, it’s 1 of the 2 that are used simultaneously. There’s 10 tables set up, each with 1-3 chairs depending on how many visitors someone has. Dan’s eyes scan the room for Phil. He almost misses him at first but with a second glance he spots him. He’s sat with his arms crossed and he’s looking directly at Dan.

Dan wants to run to him, but he knows he’ll get in trouble so he walks cautiously and slowly, he feels tense, he doesn’t know what Phil’s reaction to him is going to be. Phil stands up, arms still crossed for a moment until he’s pulling Dan in for a tight hug. They stand in the embrace until a guard gives them a warning and they both sit down, opposite ends of the table.

“You changed your hair” Dan points out. Phil’s hair isn’t in the emo style it was a few months ago. It’s still black but now he’s sporting a quiff. “It looks good”

“I needed a change” Phil smiles. “Felt like the fringe was starting to hold me back”

“Well, like I said it looks good. How’s the outside world doing?”

“Everything is fine” Phil smiles again but it fades quickly “Actually, no, everything isn’t fine”

Dan hates the tone of Phil’s voice. “What happened?”

“You’re in prison, Dan!” Phil raised his voice slightly and people turn to look. He lowers his voice “Everyone is going crazy about this. It’s all over the news, all over social media. I had to log out of everything ‘cause I can’t answer any of the questions people are asking me. It’s too much.”

Phil closes his eyes tightly. Dan didn’t realise this would be stressful for Phil. It hadn’t occurred to him that Phil would be the one person, other than himself, that the media would want to talk to about this. Suddenly he’s noticing how tired Phil looks. 

“I-i’m sorry” Dan doesn’t know what else to say. He feels his brain shutting down, much like it had his first week here. His crime was looming over him again. Everything was his fault. Phil takes Dan’s hand and squeezes it gently.

“It’s okay” he says. Dan knows it’s not. “I just…”

“Phil just tell me, please.”

“Our agent quit and so did the management team. I’m literally on my own.” Phil bites his lip.

“They quit?”

“Yeah” Phil runs his hands through his hair “Sara told me, and I quote, ‘_ I don’t get paid enough to deal with shit this bad’ _ and then she just walked out and later management called and told me they’d cancelled our contract.”

“Fuck” is all Dan can say. He rubs his face with his hands. “We need a plan”

**

Phil’s been alone in the apartment before, but for a few days at most. It’s almost been 2 months and he thinks he might be going crazy, he’s started talking to the plants. He knows he should go outside at some point but he can’t bare the thought of being recognised by someone. He can’t decide if he should try and go about his life as usual, maybe he’ll make a youtube video or… no he can’t do that people will use the comments to ask him more questions he can’t answer. He doesn’t even know what kind of video to make. 

He and Dan had tried to come up with a plan and by that he means they sat in silence for 30 minutes just staring at each other. It was nice in a way to be able to just look at Dan but it also made him feel sad. Dan didn’t look great, Phil knew it was probably because he was adjusting, going from there bright, well decorated penthouse to a small prison cell was a big deal, Phil wished he could do something to make it better but, other than going to Prison himself, there wasn’t much he could do.

Phil lays on the sofa, he’s wearing one of Dan’s jumpers and a pair of sweatpants, an episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine is playing on the TV, he’s only half paying attention. 

He hears someone unlock the front door and then a voice. 

“Phil? Are you home?” It’s Martyn

“Living room” Phil replies.

He looks up to the hallway, Martyn and Cornelia are carrying bags of shopping. For the last month, they’d practically been his only source of human contact. The came over at least once a week with enough food to stock 2 kitchens.

Martyn disappears off into the Kitchen. Cornelia pushes Phil’s legs off the sofa and sits next to him. She tugs at the sleeve of the jumper he’s wearing and laughs.

“Sexual Fantasies” she reads and laughs “Is this Dan’s?”

“It’s comfortable” 

“And it reminds you of him. That’s cute.” She takes Phil’s hand and squeezes it gently. “How was he when you went to visit?”

Martyn appears back from the kitchen and sits on the other sofa.

“He’s mad that he has to use regular shampoo and not one specifically for his curls” Phil starts “ and he’s also very annoyed that the agent and management team bailed and oh he made a friend”

“A friend? Like a…” Martyn makes his fingers into quotations as he speaks “Friend?”

“No, not like that! His cellmate, Scott. His daughter’s like a huge fan or something. So now Dan’s friends with him.”

Phil’s phone vibrates on the coffee table. All 3 of them look over at it. When Phil doesn’t answer Martyn picks it up.

“Hi, this is Phil’s Phone” Martyn begins, he’s putting on a posh accent “I’m his agent, how can I help you?”

Cornelia tries not to laugh but Phil stays quiet, the old management team had been forwarding calls from news outlets to Phil’s personal phone and so Martyn had started pretending to be an agent so that Phil didn’t have to deal with things himself. It had been working well, Phil was too anxious to try and get a story together. Martyn always went straight in with a statement on the situation. Phil was so glad he had Martyn and Cornelia in his life. It gave him an idea. He waited for Martyn to hang up the phone.

“I have a proposition for you” He began. “What if we started a management team? You’ve both been so helpful with all of this and I don’t think i can cope on my own”

“We don’t know anything about management” Cornelia sighed 

“But you both know how to talk to people without getting scared and besides you didn’t know how to run a merch company either” Phil looks at them with pleading eyes. “I need help the media wants me to talk about what’s going on and I don’t know what to say, you do”

Martyn closes his eyes for a second, he’s thinking about what he wants to say but ultimately he just nods his head. He knows Phil needs help with all of this and he as the big brother it was his duty to lend a hand. Cornelia nods too and for the first time in weeks they both swear they see Phil smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia and some violence
> 
> \-----

“Daniel?” Brandon the counselor asks leaning forward in his chair. “Why don’t you share with the group why you're here?”

Dan looks around at the other men who are sat in the circle with him. Scott had brought him to the group shortly after he arrived, he explained to him how it was a program the prison offered as a kind of group therapy where people could talk about what they did and their regrets. Dan had sat quietly, listening for a few sessions now. He hoped he could go longer without talking about it.

*

They weren’t expecting company tonight, and they were definitely not dressed for it, so when the front door bell rings they’re very surprised. Dan wasn’t sure how long their make out session had been and he definitely didn’t want to stop now but the door bell had rung a few times now and it was getting hard to ignore. Dan got up from Phil’s lap with a sigh and headed over to the door where the buzzer was.

“Who is it?” He asks. He had tried to hide the annoyance in his voice but it ended up coming out unenthusiastically flat. 

“Dan can you let me in?” 

“Rin?” Dan asked, confused.

“Dan please” She begged, sounding like she’d been crying.

Dan pressed the buzzer and waited for her to come to the door. Rin was a friend of theirs, a close one. She was also a youtuber who made videos with her husband, Carter. Originally she was from Japan, her and Carter’s channel centered around their marriage and what it was like to be a couple who come from widely different cultures. Not many people knew the truth of Rin and Carter’s relationship much like not many people knew the truth about Dan and Phil’s relationship.

Rin was one of those people who everyone instantly loved and she was always the life of the party. He remembers the first time they met at a youtube party, she only came to talk to him because he was tall and she thought a photo of the 2 of them would be funny, since she was only 5’1 compared to Dan’s 6’4 and somehow from there they’d become best friends. They typically told each other everything. Dan remembers the first time Rin and Carter told him that Rin had married Carter so she could gain a UK citizenship and Dan remembers telling both of them about Phil. They’d all agreed to keep each other's secrets and that was seemingly the end of it. They all went on with their lives, Rin and Carter had actually ended up falling in love. Everything seemed great.

So when Dan opened the door to his usually well made up and happy friend, covered in blood to say he was shocked is an understatement. 

“Rin! What the fuck happened?” Dan panicked

Rin said nothing but instead burst into tears and hauled herself into Dan’s arms. He held her tight not caring about the blood staining his white t-shirt.

“Dan, who’s at the- Rin? Holy shit!” 

Dan lead Rin over to the sofa and sat her down, he knelt on the floor in front of her, getting a good look at her face. He could see the huge cut across her eyebrow, bruised on her face and neck and what looked to be a graze down her cheek as if she’d been dragged across the floor.

“Carter” She choked out “He-he lost it and I just let him hit me and-”

“We need to call the police” Phil said reaching for his phone on the coffee table

“No! No police, no ambulance, nothing” Rin cried

“We have a med kit upstairs” Dan soothes, he looks at Phil “Phil, could you grab it for me?”

Phil nodded and hurried off upstairs. Dan grabbed Phil’s phone quickly and takes some photos of Rin’s injuries, telling her it’s incase she changes her mind about the Police. 

Phil returned with the med kit and Dan starts to clean up Rin’s face. She hisses at the touch of the antiseptic wipe against her skin.

“Why...why did he do this?” Dan asked softly

“He’s lost his mind” Rin looked away from Dan “He told me he didn’t want to lie anymore, about me and him and how our marriage was so I could get a UK Citizenship, I told him if he did that they’d deport me and he said he didn’t care anymore”

“And that’s why he brutally attacked you?” Phil asked. He sat himself down next to Rin and took her hand, she squeezed gently.

“No, He made a video about...” She looked at Phil and then at Dan, she didn’t say what the video was but they knew it was about both of them “and I tried to delete it when he was out and he came home and found me...and…” 

Phil put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close as she cried.

“I’m going to kill him.” Dan said getting up. As he went to head for the door, Rin grabbed his wrist. He turned to look at her pleading eyes.

“You don’t mean that” Rin said “I’m gonna be okay, I don’t know what i’ll do but I know I’ll be okay”

**

Rin moves into Dan and Phil’s spare room. They both buy her new clothes and make her feel welcome in their home. She’s there for them when a video appears on her and Carter’s youtube channel titled ‘The truth about Dan and Phil’. They watch the video along with 5.3 million other people, apparently Carter had been planning this for at least 2 years. The video was all their private facebook photos, secretly filmed video clips and wedding photos and the marriage record, it outed Dan and Phil’s whole relationship. Rin wrote a statement on twitter about how she didn’t approve of the video being uploaded and that it had nothing to do with her. Dan and Phil made a video addressing it and confirming the content, confirming they’d been together for 10 years and confirming they had gotten married and then they all went about their lives as usual, until the youtube party…

Everything was fine at first, the party was okay but of course it wasn’t Dan’s thing. He stood in a corner talking with Phil and Rin, Louise was there too. They’d all had a few drinks, Dan attributes this as a factor to the awful thing he does next. 

He can’t believe his eyes when he sees Carter stood out on the balcony area. He can’t believe he had the nerve to turn up here and he’s pretty sure by the way everyone is glancing that they can’t believe it either. He doesn’t know when his legs started moving or when Phil started shouting for him to come back all he knows is he’s just punched Carter in the face with more force than he thought he had. Carter stumbles back for a second but is returning the punch very quickly. Dan’s knocked to the floor. 

People are shouting for the fight to stop but Dan’s being repeatedly punched in the face. His adrenaline kicks in and he’s pushing Carter off of him and fighting back until Joe and Caspar who’d been standing nearby manage to step in and pull them apart. Dan’s knuckles are bleeding and aching from where he’d punched too hard, his adrenaline and anger are mixed heavily with alcohol. 

“You think you’re a big man showing your face here, huh?” Dan practically spits the words at him “After what you did!”

Carter laughs “I only did what you should have done. How long did you think you and Phil could hide that you were married from your fans?”

“I meant what you did to Rin” Dan shouts shrugging Joe off of him. “I can handle being outed”

“Dan, calm down” Dan turned around at the sound of Phil’s voice “Lets just go okay? You’ve had too much to drink and-”

He doesn’t know why he does it, he wants to blame the alcohol but he knows it’s just the voice in his head that tells him to do bad things breaking free into real life and with one push, Dan’s freedom is gone. Carter falls backwards as Dan shoves him, he hits the glass railing of the balcony. It smashes with his impact, glass flies and Carter falls 12 floors. A few people rush to the edge and look down to the Street below. Within seconds Joe and Caspar are pinning Dan to the floor, Casper holding his legs and Joe is holding his arms and torso down.

Someone is already on the phone to the emergency services, others have run down the stairs and out to where Carter’s body lay lifeless on the pavement below.

“We need an ambulance and the police” Dan recognises the voice but he can’t see who’s talking. “He pushed him off the roof… its about 12 floors...there are people down there I can go too… yeah they have him restrained… Dan Howell” The voice disappears as the person leaves the room to go check the scene below.

Dan manages to turn his head so he’s not looking at the balcony anymore. He sees the shocked faces of all of his friends... Then he sees Phil and Rin who is crying into Phil’s shoulder. Phil looks at him for a second, he hates the look in his eyes. He watches as Phil takes Rin’s hand and pulls her out of the crowd.

Dan doesn’t care that everyone is looking at him, he just lets out a sob and cries into the floor.

What have I done?

**

Dan is snapped out of his thoughts by the voice of the counsellor.

“I killed my friends husband” He says, bluntly.

“Why did you do that?” One of the other inmates asks “Was she fit and you knew you couldn’t have her if he was ‘round”

Dan shrugs “He beat her, badly, and then showed up at a party we were at so I threw him off a roof”

Dan’s voice is flat, his expression blank. Saying it out loud feels him with the sense of doom that his depression brings. He realises he doesn’t feel remorse for what he did, he doesn’t feel much of anything other than the anger that’s deep inside him.

“There’s no way you threw someone off a roof” The inmate laughs. “You’re too much of a twink for murder, bet you can’t even punch hard”

“That’s enough, Adam” Brandon chimes in “We don’t judge each other in this group, remember that”

Adam spends the rest of the session staring at Dan, Dan sinks lower in his seat. He tries to concentrate on listening to the rest of the inmates talking but his eyes keep meeting with Adam’s. The session ends and Dan waits for everyone else to leave before he does. He knew by the way the way Adam had been staring at him earlier that he was in trouble. He tries to find Scott in the crowd but he’s already gone.

The hallway was empty by the time Dan actually leaves the room, he takes a sigh of relief but it’s short lived. Suddenly he’s being pushed up against the wall.

“What did you really do?” The inmate barks “I bet it was something petty, you’re just trying to big yourself up so people here will leave you alone”

“I told you” Dan chokes out “I killed someone” 

“I don’t believe you” Adam pulls Dan away from the wall and pushes him to the floor.

“I’m not sure how to make you believe me, mate”

“Is everything okay out here?” Dan and Adam turn to look to see Brandon stood behind them. Dan pushes himself up from the floor.

“Dan tripped, I was just about to help him up” Adam says, he looks at Dan with glaring eyes.

Dan nods “Yeah, I’m clumsy I tripped over my own feet”.

Dan knows that if he tells Brandon what really happened just now it’ll make his whole prison experience a lot worse than it already is. It’s easier to just agree with Adam. Brandon nods, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t believe the excuse.

“I’d like to talk to Dan if that’s okay” he asks.

“I have places to be” Adam shrugs and begins to walk away, He watches and Dan and the Brandon go back into the room they’d come from earlier. He turns around and heads back to the room, hiding just around the corner. There’s something about Dan. Something different than everyone else in the Prison and he needs to know what. He hope listening into this conversation will give him some insight. He hears Brandon speak first.

“I wanted to see how you’re adjusting to being here?” He asks

“It’s no London penthouse that’s for sure” Dan jokes. “No… it’s fine, I'm fine. It's just a big shock to go from where I was living to suddenly having all my belongings shoved into a small cell that I have to share.”

“Scott is nice though?” he asks “I’ve seen the 2 of you together a lot”

“He knows who I am, his daughter is a fan. I guess it means I can be myself around him”

He’s famous, Adam thinks. He reminds himself to look it up on his cellmates contraband phone later.

“And how are you coping with being away from your...” Brandon lowers his voice “Husband”

Husband, Of course he was gay, Adam had already suspected that but it was good to hear it confirmed.

“In the whole 10 years we’ve been together this might be the longest I’ve been without him” Dan admits “I’m so used to him being there when things get bad and the fact he’s not right now...I don’t know”

Adam decides to leave he doesn’t want to be stood outside when the conversation ends, he suspects Brandon doesn’t believe the ‘Dan tripped’ excuse from earlier and he can’t get in trouble now, not when he has plans for Dan.

Later that night Adam and his cellmate google ‘Dan Howell’ and are immediately greeted with hundreds of news articles:

Youtube star Dan Howell arrested for Murder of fellow youtube star, Carter Reeves

Ex BBC Radio 1 presenter, Dan Howell, Jailed for murder of friend

Calculated Murder or accident: We talk to Dan Howell’s youtube friends about what really happened that night.

Dan and Phil dropped by management following the arrest of Dan Howell

They find Dan’s youtube channel and watch some of the older videos and then some of the newer ones, including his coming out video. 

The next morning they show some of the other inmates what they’ve found.

**

Dan is on his way back to his cell from his job placement in the laundry room when he runs into Adam, He tried to walk past as fast as he can.

“Where you running off too, Dan is not on fire”

Dan stops in his tracks. He takes a breath and turns around.

“What does that mean?” He tries to play dumb.

Suddenly he’s grabbed by 2 men. He tries to shout for help but a hand is clamped over his mouth. Adam moves towards him and knees him in the stomach. Dan wants to hunch over in pain but his arms are restrained so all he can do is let out a groan. Adam knees Dan again but this time the other 2 men let go of him. He falls to his own knees and braces his fall with his hands. 

They don’t leave him on the floor for very long, with one swift movement he’s being pulled up by the back of his shirt. The moment he feels the hands near his neck he wants to cry, he’s felt this feeling before in school the bullied would grab him by the shirt before they dragged him off somewhere to beat him up. 

“I’ve learnt a lot about you in the last 12 hours.” Adam begins. He looks at his crew, there’s about 5 of them. “Did you know that our good friend Daniel is a homo? He kept that quiet. I mean I think we all kinda suspected, it’s obvious.” 

Dan can feel the panic attack brewing inside him, he tries desperately to keep it in, but there’s a hand on the back of his neck, and he knows he can handle being punched and kicked but this is bringing back so much that he doesn’t want to remember right now.

“Rob, why don’t you show Dan what we do to people like him in here” Adam continues.

One of the other guys steps forward. He’s tall and bulky and covered head to toe in tattoos. In an instant Rob’s fist is hitting Dan’s face, right where it was already bruised from his fight with Carter. The punches keep coming, until he’s kneed in the stomach again. He falls flat on his face. He stays there for a moment before turning onto his side. 

Dan reaches his hand to his own face, he touches his fingers gently to his nose, he feels a wetness, when he draws his hand back his fingers are red with blood. He can taste it in his mouth too. 

Before he gets a chance to react a foot is connecting with his stomach. He curls up in an instant and brings his hands over his face to protect it. More than one person is kicking him now. He cries out in pain every time. He feels sick. He wants it to be over, but he suspects they’re going to keep this up until he’s dead. 

“Hey!” A voice shouts, the kicking stops.

Dan hears the men running away. He rolls onto his back, his vision is blurry and there’s a ringing in his ears. He sees someone standing over him and he vaguely hears them asking if he’s okay.

“I need a medic in corridor 4C” The voice says into his radio “and I need some guards to find Adam Sellings and his crew”

Dan looks past the guard’s face at up at the ceiling, he tried to focus on it, tries to stay awake but eventually... the darkness comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to my poor bb Dan i didn't mean to hurt you i swear lmao
> 
> i'd really appreciate nice thoughts and comments
> 
> Thank you to Lynn for being my beta <3
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr @ ThrivingHowell


	3. Chapter 3

_ Fuck it _ he thinks as he pulls on his shoes and a hoodie before heading down the stairs to the outside world. He’s been hiding in this apartment too long and he really want coffee from Starbucks instead of the instant crap Martyn keeps buying for him.

He gets halfway down the street until he wishes he was still at home. He doesn’t notice the flash of lights in the window reflections at first but they get closer and more frequent and suddenly he’s surrounded by paparazzi.

“Have you spoken to Dan recently?” One asks.

“What prison is he at?” another one quizzed.

“There’s a conspiracy that you and Dan planned this because you were mad at Carter, what are your thoughts” and another one. 

The questions don’t stop.

_ “How do you really feel about being outed?” _

_ “Do you feel guilty that Carter is dead?” _

_ “What happened between you and your management team?” _

_ “Are you and Dan getting divorced?” _

_ “Why won’t you update anyone on your social media?” _

_ “When are you going to make youtube videos again?” _

_ “Have you spoken to Rin recently?” _

Phil wants to turn back and go home but he’s almost at the Starbucks and he knows they won’t follow him inside there and even if they did, he knows the people who work at this particular Starbucks who’d help him. 

He pulls his hood up and puts his head down. He feels like he’s running but eventually he makes it through the doors of the coffee shop. He’s thankful that they didn’t follow him inside but he knows they’re watching through the window.

He heads up to the counter, there isn’t a line. There’s a barista he doesn’t recognise at the til, she must be new, she looks at him and freezes. She’s a fan he can tell already. 

“H-hi” She tries to keep her cool “What, w-what can I get you today?”

“He’ll have a Caramel Macchiato” Another barista says approaching the counter “and don’t put it through the till, Phil gets to drink for free” 

Phil smiles, he and Dan are… were regulars at this particular Starbucks and all the staff love them and refuse to let them pay for their drinks, so in return they usually give them very large tips. The new barista moves to make the drink while the other, Carmen, comes out from behind the counter and gives Phil a hug. When she pulls away he notices her glance at the window.

“I can’t believe they followed you” she says gesturing at the window.

“I got bombarded with questions, that I legally and morally can’t”

“Well you’ve practically been in hiding for a month or 2, they’re understandably curious. Not that that excuses stalking behaviour”

Phil sighs, “I guess this is my life until after Dan’s trial. Once everyone knows his sentence they won’t care anymore”

“How is the trial preparation?” Carmen places her hand on Phil’s shoulder.

“Dan wants to plead guilty” Phil looks at his feet. “The lawyer and I said no, so now we’re looking at other options”

The first barista hands Phil his drink. Her hand is shaking slightly, he can tell she’s nervous.

“What’s your name?” he asks her

“Sam” She replies “I-i I um, I watch your videos… and Dan’s”

“She’s got a tumblr blog” Carmen laughs, Sam shoots her a glare “And a twitter”

“Well, why don’t you and I take a selfie and you can let everyone know that i’m alive?” Phil says

Sam nods very enthusiastically and takes her phone out of her back pocket. She hands it to Phil so he can take the photo. It’s the least he can do, he’d been feeling guilty about not interacting with the fans as much recently but he’s not really sure what to tell them, he knows most of them want to be supportive but there are a few notable people within the fandom who seemed to have turned on them and he hates to admit it but he’s scared of them.

“Thank you so much!” Sam practically squeals.

He’s glad she was one of the nice ones, he hopes she won’t get bombarded with a thousand questions and she really hope no one sends her hate. He knows he’ll have to come on twitter in the evening and tweet her to say how nice she was.

He looks for a seat away from the window, hidden in the back where no one can see him. He sees one of the red couches along the back wall is free and heads over there.

Phil has barely sat down before his phone starts ringing. The number is unknown and at first he debates whether to answer it. He hasn't received any unsolicited calls from the press since Martyn took over so he takes his chances.

“Hello?” He asks

“Hi, is this Mr Lester? I’m Lisa Curney one of the senior officers at Pentonville Prison”

“Yeah, hi, is everything okay?”

“I’m just calling to inform you that your husband was in a fight with some other inmates and that we’ve transferred him to a hospital for treatment”

Phil’s heart drops. “He’s in the hospital?”

Phil’s anxiety suddenly hits 1000, his brain telling him the worst. _ Dan was in a fight!? _He wants to know who, how and why but he doesn’t ask those questions to the officer on the phone. He just starts to shut down, his hands are shaking and he wants to cry.

“We found him unconscious in the hallway after his work shift, we determined it would be best to take him to a hospital, our infirmary here isn’t the most sophisticated.” 

_ Unconscious. _He was unconscious alone in a random hallway. He feels the warmth of his tears falling down his cheeks. He knows he can’t cry here, not in the middle of a Starbucks with a barista he knows and one who’s a fan and certainly not with the paparazzi staring at him through the window. He wipes his tears with his sleeve. 

“Mr. Lester, are you there?” He realises he’s been silent for a while.

“I- yeah. What hospital is he at?”

“St. Pancras Hospital, but I’m afraid he can’t have visitors. Due to the nature of his offence he’s labeled as a high risk inmate. Once he is back in our care, we’d be happy for you to come see him, it’s easier for visitors in our own infirmary as we have more guards if something goes wrong.”

“I understand, thank you for letting me know”

“We’ll be in touch. Thank you, Mr. Lester”

Phil stands up, abandoning his drink. He doesn’t care that she said no visitors, he’d find a way into that hospital.

He leaves the shop and is immediately pounced on by the paparazzi's again, this time they try to block his path. He tries to push past them but they don’t let him.

“You can go when we have our answers” One of them says, practically shoving a camera in Phil’s face. “You owe us an explanation”

Any normal day this would be terrifying to him but the adrenaline running through his veins has given him a confidence boost.

“I don’t owe you anything” Phil says, sternly “Now get out of my way”

“And what will you do if we don’t?” 

Phil acts on impulse, he pushes the camera away from his face but he pushes harder than he meant to and the camera falls to the floor, it smashes. In the paparazzi’s moment of distraction Phil pushes past them and luckily manages to get to the road as a taxi is passing. He gets in.

“Hey!” one shouts “You broke my fucking camera. You’ll be sorry for that!” 

Phil doesn’t care right now, maybe he will later… He will later.

*

The beeping has been going on for hours, he’s starting to get annoyed by it. It’s dark and Dan can’t see. He knows it because his eyes are closed but for some reason he can’t open them. The last thing he remembers is being kicked repeatedly while on the floor so maybe he’s dead. _ God _ he wishes he was dead. Wait, no he really doesn’t. He’s made mistakes in his life, pretty big ones, well, one pretty big one and he knows he deserves to be locked up for it. Dying is the easy, cowardly option. He needs to face what he did, he needs to be punished for it. He needs to _ wake up _.

He blinks a few times, the bright light of whatever room he’s in is almost blinding. They begin to adjust and he’s staring at the ceiling, he turns his head slightly to the side, he’s alone. He remembers he was bleeding earlier and he tries to reach a hand up to touch his face but something is holding his arm down. He’s been restrained, he’s handcuffed to the bed and not in a good way, but in a ‘we don’t trust you not to try and escape’ kind of way. He knows even if he tugs at the handcuffs that he won’t be freed but he tries it anyway, they rattle against the metal railing of the bed. The noise makes him realise how much his head hurts.

He knows he must be in a hospital now, they wouldn’t have cuffed him if he was just in the infirmary. He wonders if Phil knows he’s here. Part of him hopes he doesn’t, he doesn’t need this to worry him right now, not with the stress of everything else.

Dan tries to relax himself, of course it’s not easy when both your hands are tied to a bed. He lets himself step away from his thoughts, and focus more on what’s going on around him. He still hears the beeping from earlier, he knows now it’s his heart rate monitor but now he’s also hearing a commotion from outside.

“He’s my husband, I have a right to see him” 

_ Is that Phil’s voice? _ He can’t tell if he’s imagining it.

“Sir, he’s a high risk prisoner, I can’t let you in the room” 

_ It has to be Phil. _

“He’s not gonna hurt me, and if he does you can just tell your bosses I broke in there or something” 

“Fine, you can stay until shift change and then you have to go”

The door to the room opens, Dan smiles when he sees Phil. Phil visibly relaxes.

“You’re okay!” Phil is happy for a moment and then his tone turns serious “They told me you got into a fight! I thought you said you were gonna stay out of trouble and then you go and fight someone, as if i’m not worried enough about you i-”

“Phil, calm down” Dan interrupts, his voice is hoarse. “I didn’t get into a fight, I got jumped”

Phil pulls the chair, that’s next to the hospital bed, closer to Dan and sits down, he takes Dan’s hand the best way he can with Dan’s restricted movements. 

“I’m sorry” Phil mumbles “I was already having a bad day and- it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to make this about me. Please tell me what happened?”

“Some guy doesn’t like me, he found out who I am and then he and his gang beat me up. If one of the officers hadn’t come I’m 90% sure they would have killed me”

Phil doesn’t say anything, he just leans his head of the railing of the bed and touches his forehead to Dan’s hand. Dan feels Phil’s tears as he starts sobbing. Dan wants to comfort Phil, but he can’t move his hands, he feels trapped, he wants to pull Phil into a hug, kiss him and tell him everything will be fine… but he can’t.

“I love you” Dan says, he’s crying too “I love you and I hate how stressful I’ve made your life. Im a shitty person, you should hate me for what I did.” 

Dan closes his eyes tight, tears spilling down his cheeks “Why don’t you hate me?” He asks

Phil looks up. “Because I love you more than anything or anyone and yeah you did something really bad, but I know deep down that, that wasn’t you. That person I saw that night, it wasn’t the Daniel Howell that I know.”

Phil stands up, he leans over Dan and kisses him gently on the lips, they kiss slowly, it’s been months now since they were this close and they know this is something they both need. Phil wishes it could be more but he knows he’s already pushing his luck by being here. He pulls away and gently touches his lips with his finger. He scans Dan’s face, littered with cuts and bruises, he knows that’s still his Dan, despite what has happened. 

He takes a deep breath, “We’re gonna fight this, I’m gonna find a way for them to overturn your conviction.”

“Phil, I’m guilty” Dan sighs “there’s a whole room full of witnesses, I need to face what I've done”

Phil shakes his head. He’s not letting Dan go that easily.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you as always to My beta's, Holly, Harley and Lynn.
> 
> just a quick note for some info:
> 
> \- Pentonville prison is a real prison in London however my version of it is a mix between a UK prison and a US prison because i find US Prisons to be more interesting to write.  
-In UK prisons inmates are allowed to wear outside clothes instead of uniforms, for now Dan is in a uniform but eventually he'll probably get some outside clothing (cos i think i've hurt him enough so far, he deserves some comfort)  
-Incase anyone was wondering my main inspo for this fic is Orange is the New Black
> 
> Thank you for reading this chapter, i really appreciate it.
> 
> find me on tumblr @ThrivingHowell
> 
> Holly - @philhcwell Harley - @LemonHeadLester Lynn- @Blxckmochi


	4. Chapter 4

A few days had passed and the doctors at the hospital had discharged Dan back into the care of the Prison. Dan was thankful that Phil could actually visit him here without worrying about getting in trouble. 

Dan is tired, the Doctor said he would be for a few more days, right now he’s just listening as Phil argues with the Warden.

“You really think he’s gonna start a fight with a group of like, 5 men?” Phil snapped.

“We spoke with Adam and his group, all of them say the same thing. Dan started a fight with Adam and his group was defending him.”

Dan wants to get out of bed, to tell the warden that Phil is right, that he didn’t start a fight, but he knows that there is no point in trying to defend himself. He hopes that there’s a way to prove it, but he’s not betting on it. This is prison, he deserves whatever comes his way. He has no fight left him. 

“So, instead of pulling them apart, the group just started kicking Dan? Tell me why Adam and his group aren’t getting punished.”

“There’s no proof that they kicked him.”

“He has three broken ribs!” Phil pauses and Dan knows that he’s upset. “Dan would never fight someone.”

“Sir, he’s a convicted murderer.” Phil lets out a huff and Dan can sense that he’s near his breaking point.

“He’s still on trial, you can’t say that about him!” Phil cautions

Dan wants to interject but he knows neither of them are going to listen to him right now.

“Isn’t there CCTV in here or something?” 

“Not in that hallway.” The warden notes, Dan knows it’s a lie. 

“This is ridiculous” Phil drags his hands through his hair in frustration.

“This is life.” The warden shrugs his shoulders.  


*

Dan has left his cell exactly 3 times in the week he’s been back and they were all to shower. Everything he needs is right here in the safety of his bunk. Scott’s brought every meal to him, he’s glad that’s allowed because truth be told he’s terrified of seeing Adam, terrified of what he might do to Dan this time. The times Dan had gone to shower he’d made Scott come with him and stand guard outside the shower curtain and make sure no one tried to kill him.

His bunk wasn’t nice, it was prison after all, but it was safe here.

“Howell get your ass up!” 

Dan jumps as one of the officers enters the small room but he stays put in the bottom bunk.

“I said get up!” he barks, “You are _ legally _required to have an hour of yard time a day and I just looked at the sign out sheet and apparently you’ve been sitting here all week”

Dan was lucky they’d signed him off of work duty for a few weeks while he recovered but he was still meant to do other things such as actually go outside. The yard was even scarier than being alone in the shower room. There were only two guards in the yard, who spent more time talking to each other than paying attention to the inmates and if he was unlucky enough to be on the same yard schedule as Adam he knew he’s be doomed especially because Scott had work duty during Dan’s normally allotted time and was often in the yard in the morning while Dan’s was scheduled in the afternoon.

“I don’t want to go outside” Dan mumbles

“Are you refusing orders, inmate?”

Dan closes his eyes for a second before making direct eye contact with the officer. 

“What if I am?” he says defyingly 

He regrets it almost the second he says it because he’s suddenly being dragged out of the bottom bunk and on to his feet. He groans as pain surges through his broken ribs.

“I can see why you got jumped, fucking annoying cunt, you are.” The guard spits at him and not with his words, he actually spits in Dan’s face “Now get in line and go the fuck outside!”

Dan leaves his cell without much more protest. He’s already tested his luck enough as it is. He meets up with the other inmates heading out the yard, standing at the end of the line. Dan does a quick scan of everyone else in line before letting out a small sigh of relief. He doesn’t see Adam or any of his crew in the line, hopefully that means he can get through yard time without getting jumped again. 

Dan waits for the line to move, he notices the asshole guard is standing at the end of the hallway, watching him closely. The stare is unnerving, Dan wishes he knew what the guards real problem was with him.

Someone grabs Dan’s arm. Dan flinches but relaxes when he realises it’s just Scott, he must be on his way back from work duty.

“Dan?” Where are you going?” He questions, he seems concerned. 

“They’re making me do yard time.” Dan lowers his voice “Luckily, Adam isn’t in this group I think I should be fine.” 

Scott doesn’t look convinced, Dan is about to ask him to sneak out to the yard with him, just so he has some kind of protection.

“Ramos! Howell!” They both jump as one of the guards shouts at them “Keep moving!”

Scott gives Dan an encouraging pat on the arm and then salutes to the officer in a mocking fashion before he heads down the hallway back towards the cells.

*

Dan’s alone, well not exactly. He’s stood in the yard with about 100 other inmates but he’s stood alone. The yard isn’t the biggest space in the world. It’s a caged in patch of grass with some benches. The benches have already been taken so most inmates are huddled in groups and some of them playing football. 

Dan could probably go talk to some people and make friends, so he’d have protection that’s not just Scott, but he doesn’t. He just leans against the wall of the main building and watches everyone.

There’s a rumble of thunder and suddenly the sky turns dark as storm clouds roll in. It begins to rain, it’s light at first so no one moves, it’s the kind of rain that won’t get you wet straight away, it’s almost calming to Dan. It doesn’t last long, however. The rain begins to pour and the inmates start to head towards the door to go back inside. They’re filled in quickly.

Dan follows the crowd but when he gets to the door he’s pulled away by the Officer from earlier.

“Just wait for a second, inmate”

Dan’s already soaked from waiting to get back inside, as are other inmates but the guard making him wait feels like some kind of punishment. He’s right, it is a punishment, one that’s about to get a lot worse.

Everyone is inside now. Except Dan.

“Remember you’re legally required an hour of yard time and you have a whole week's worth to catch up on”

He grabs Dan by the shoulders and turns him around so he’s looking back out at the yard, he pushes him firmly and Dan is now realising the offices foot is twisted slightly around Dan’s leg. Dan falls but manages to brace himself with his arms. The ground is wet and muddy and now so is Dan. He pushes himself back up to see the Officer laughing.

“You should be less clumsy next time.” He laughs, “I'll be back for you in a few hours. Don’t get too wet, okay?”

The door back inside is closed now and Dan’s standing alone. The rain continues to hammer down on him. He watches the sky light up as a bolt of lightning hits. This is definitely not the best time to be stood in a metal cage.

*

He’s not sure how long he’s been out her but the rain has slowed back down to a light mist. He’s cold and wet and his clothes feel heavy. 

He’s stood against the brick wall of the main building, there's a slight shelter there where the roof above overhangs, but it didn’t help to keep him dry.

The door opens and a different Officer steps out into the yard, a female. She looks at him and he can see she wants to be sympathetic but is trying to act stern.

“Inside. Now” is all she says to him.

The inside of the building is warm, Dan needs the warmth more than anything. He’s signed back in and he heads to his cell.

The main area of his cell block is also a social area and cafeteria and when he walks in he’s aware everyone is looking at him. He see’s Scott in the back corner, and they lock eyes, Dan titles his head towards their cell. 

Scott backs out of the card game he’s playing and excuses himself from the table. They meet inside the cell, where Dan is trying to find a clean uniform to wear.

“Why are you soaking wet _ and _covered in mud?”

Dan doesn’t say anything, he just grabs his wash bag and a towel and leaves the cell. Scott follows behind him. 

*

Dan stands fully under the shower, letting the hot water flow over him, it feels nice against his cold skin. He knows it’s probably not good for him to go straight from the outside cold to a very hot shower but he needs to be warm again.

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” Scott asks from where he’s standing by the sinks.

Dan still doesn’t answer he just concentrates on scrubbing the mud from his arms. Scott doesn’t ask again.

He stands under the water until it starts to go cold, that being his cue to get out. He turns the shower off and grabs his towel. Scott has turned to face the wall, giving Dan privacy to get dressed, not that communal shower room in a prison is exactly a private place.

“That asshole guard made me stand in the rain for 2 hours” Dan says, pulling his jumper over his head.

“Oh” 

“Oh? Is that all you have to say about it?” 

Scott looks to the ground “Officer Jones, right?”

“I don’t know his fucking name I just know he’s an asshole”

“Yeah he is. He’s also...lets just say there’s a reason Adam never got in trouble for jumping you, and why you are being blamed for starting a fight.” 

Dan understands now why the warden lied to Phil about the CCTV cameras. Dan has walked that hallway countless times and has noticed the white cameras peering down at him every angle. There’s no way that one of the cameras hadn’t been pointing at Adam when he started his attack on Dan. 

“I guess that what I get for being a murderer.” He wishes that he had the energy to be upset about the cover up that’s going on, but he can’t, his hospital visit knocked all his fight out of him.

Scott doesn’t say anything and neither does Dan, so they walk back to their cell in silence.

*

Dan has been missing Phil, of course he had but tonight was the first time he needed Phil to actually be here. When he saw him only a week ago (Not under the best circumstances, of course) he had been reminded of how much of the outside world he was missing. 

He turns in his bunk and leans out to look at Scott who’s on the top bunk.

“Scott?” He whispers

“Yeah?” He mumbled, his voice sleepy

“Who do I ask if I wanna sneak a phone in here?”

Scott hesitates “The people who hate you” 

“Oh”

“I have one” He admits “You wanna call your husband?”

“No, can I...” Dan pauses “Do you have data, so I can watch youtube or anything?”

Scott doesn’t speak. Dan hears some movement from above and then in the darkness of their cell he sees the outline of Scott’s hand, as he passes down the phone and a pair of earphones. Dan takes it and mumbles a thank you.

He turns over so he’s facing the wall, the phone is already unlocked so Dan opens youtube in the phone browser and immediately types _ AmazingPhil _into the search bar.

Phil’s channel has remained untouched for months. Next time they see each other Dan’s going to tell him to make a video. Phil needs to try and get his life back to normal, as normal as it can be when Dan is here.

He opens one of Phil’s videos and is immediately greeted with a cheerful “hey guys”. It takes Dan 30 seconds before he starts crying.

He’s fucked up everything and he knows it. Phil hasn’t uploaded in months because of what Dan did. He’s not sure if Phil will ever be able to upload a video again without people asking a million questions about Dan. He’s angry at himself, he knows Phil would be better off without him in his life. Maybe next time he comes to visit Dan will break it off and they can go their own separate ways. Phil could actually find someone else, someone who he can actually spend time with, someone who isn’t looking at the possibility of life in prison. _ No! _He can’t think like that, he shouldn’t think like that. Phil would have already left him if he knew it would be too much.

Dan’s bad thoughts are interrupted, he feels the bunk move slightly and a thud on the floor as Scott climbs out of his own bed. 

Dan stiffens for a moment as he feels his mattress dip slightly as Scott sits on the edge of the bed for a second before he lays next to Dan and pulls him into a hug.

“When my daughter is upset she always says a hug is the best remedy,” He laughs and then hesitates for a moment “I probably should have asked if you wanted a hug before I climbed into your bed.... I’m not coming on to you, I promise”

Dan laughs through his tears, he’s still facing the wall and his eyes are still trained the phone screen, he can’t bare to look away, he feels like if he looks away from the screen, even for a second, that Phil will just be gone forever.

“I know you miss him but this isn’t gonna help you” Scott points out.

Dan knows he’s right, watching a video isn’t a substitute for Phil actually being here, but besides Phil actually being here, there’s nothing Dan can do. 

“Give me an earphone then” Scott encourages and Dan does. 

They watch the video nearly to the end, until Phil’s voice says _ “Dan and I are really excited for the next video, we’ve worked really hard on it” _Dan feels his tears falling again and this time he’s not just crying he’s sobbing.

Scott takes the phone from his hands and turns off the video. On instinct Dan turns himself around and buries his face into Scott’s chest. Scott seems unsure at first but he just wraps his arms around Dan and lets him cry.

Dan knows this is stupid but he’s glad Scott is a good friend. He feels pathetic crying into someone's arms, someone that’s not Phil. He wishes it was Phil holding him right now and maybe he could pretend it was but it’s not that simple. 

They lay in silence before Scott speaks “It gets easier y’know, not completely but it gets easier”

Dan looks up at him.

“At first it’s hard, when you go from being with someone everyday to only seeing them a few times a month, but you learn to treasure that time and make the most of it. Every phone call, every visit means something, it means they care enough to come.”

“Don’t you think about all the negatives though?” Dan mumbles.

“Of course, not a day goes by where I don’t think about how much of my daughter’s life i’m gonna miss but there’s nothing I can do but be well behaved and hope I get offered early release. I guess you should be thankful you don’t have kids”

Dan sighs. Scott is right. He only had 1 person to worry about. His family hasn't returned his calls or got back to him about visiting, he thinks Phil might be the only person who’s stuck around, not that he’s surprised, Phil has always been there when no one else was.

Dan can’t help but wonder what the future holds for them now. They had plans, a future with a dog and a house full of kids. He hates to think that he’ll never have that, even if he gets a lesser sentence, who wants to let a murderer adopt.

“What are you thinking about?” Scott queries.

“I’ve been married less than a year and I'm already _ shitty _ husband. I’m never going to be a father and I’ll probably be in here for the rest of life” A few tears escape him once again. “And I feel shit because it doesn’t matter how much I love Phil and he loves me, me being here Is always going to hurt him in some way.”

“I think you should get some sessions with one of the counselors. They helped me adjust”

“The one who runs group therapy, Brandon, he suggested it to me and then I got jumped so I hadn’t got back to him yet”

“Why don’t you get some sleep and we’ll both go talk to him tomorrow? And in the meantime don’t overthink things about Phil”

Dan nods and Scott gets up from the bed and climbs back into the top bunk.

Dan knows he should focus on sleep but he wants to know how Phil’s day went, he hopes it was better than his own. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huge thank you to Holly (tumblr: @philhcwell) for helping me write some of this chapter, I was really about to give up on this fic just out of frustration but she really helped me out.
> 
> Also normally i try to do half the chapter for Dan and half for Phil but the Phil part didn't fit with the Dan part so the next chapter will just be a Phil chapter.
> 
> Sorry for taking so long to write this one 
> 
> (Also i changed my user so it matches with my tumblr so come say hi @ thrivinghowell)


	5. Chapter 5

Phil wanted to be here, at least that’s what he’d told himself. He stares into the filming room. It feels so big now he’s changed his set from a bedroom to one flat wall with some nice shelves.

He wanted to film a video, he had an idea late last night and this morning he had decided he was going to film it. 

He showered, for the first time in days. He washed his hair and styled it just the way he always had. 

He’d stared at himself in the mirror for a while, he hoped he looked like himself, hoped that when he uploaded this video that people wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t okay.

He sits down in front of the camera, he connects it to his laptop to use it as a monitor and he presses record.

However, It doesn’t feel right. He’s staring at the camera, it should be familiar, he should just be able to start talking but he can’t. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it almost immediately. Maybe something in his background is out of place, maybe that’s what it is, or maybe it’s been months since he did this and so much has changed since then, maybe this just isn’t him anymore.

He unplugs the lava lamp and moves it to a different shelf. He looks at the monitor, it’s still not right so he moves it back to where it was.

He sits down again and looks into the lens. 

“Hey guys!” His happiness sounds fake, it is fake. 

He looks at himself in the monitor again, he looks tired. He is tired. He feels like the world is weighing on his shoulders, pushing him down further and further. He takes a deep breath.

“_ Hey _..” He starts off happy and excited but his voice suddenly drifts into monotone “guys.”

He pauses and sighs. He can’t do this. He can’t even look into the camera lens, and he certainly can’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Maybe he’ll drop his _ AmazingPhil _ act for this video and just rant about how shit his life is, post it unedited and let people be concerned. He can’t even bring himself to do that. 

He knows what this is, it’s something he’s not used to, something that Dan is.

He’s _ depressed. _

His life has no meaning, no purpose. He can’t do anything right. He can’t even make a youtube video.

He stands up fast, the chair hits the wall, _ hard. _ He doesn’t care. He turns the camera off but doesn’t pack it away. He might deal with it later _ if _he can be bothered.

He makes his way through the empty apartment, the silence is almost deafening. The kitchen seems to far away but he knows he should eat something at some point so he heads there anyway. He stares at the mess, the dishes are piled up in the sink, the bin is beginning to overflow. He doesn’t care enough to do something about it, so he ignores it.

He opens the cupboard where they keep their cups, it’s empty. They’re all dirty in the sink. He grabs one from the top of the pile and rinses it out before he fills it with water and takes a sip.

He admits in the week since he last saw Dan things had developed poorly in his life, he found it increasingly harder to leave the house without being followed by paparazzi and his mental health was beginning to take a toll on his life and general existence. 

He feels defeated. 

*

Phil finds himself curled up on the sofa, under Dan’s old duvet. He turns the TV on and the Great British Bake Off is playing, but he’s not pay attention to Mary Berry. The blinds are closed and the entire room is dark. It’s just Phil and his thoughts. 

This is how everyday has gone in the past week.

He doesn’t eat, barely sleeps, only took a shower this morning because he wanted to film an AmazingPhil video. 

Phil also knows that Martyn’s daily visit is soon and that he should do something, at least to avoid Martyn’s wrath.

Phil understands why Martyn is getting so angry with him. 

Martyn has come into the apartment everyday and Phil is always on the sofa, exactly how he is now and everyday, Martyn has gotten more and more annoyed with him. Phil knows it’s because he cares, because he’s his younger brother and wants to protect him from the world. But Phil’s world is gone, locked up in a prison where he’s obviously not safe.

“Phil, are you home?”

Phil closes his eyes, tightly when the blinds are pushed open and the light bursts into the room. He doesn’t want to open them again, if he does he’ll see the anger on Martyn’s face. He blocks him out. Lets him talk at him and lecture him about the mess, about how bad it is for him to be sat in the dark all day.

“Phil!” Martyn snaps.

Phil finally gives in and opens his eyes, his eyes adjust to the light and he focuses on his brother’s face.

“Are you even listening to me?” He challenges. 

Phil doesn’t respond, he just looks passed his brother and focuses on the TV.

“I’m so fucking done” he yells “How many fucking time have I been here this week?”

Phil continues to ignore him.

“I told you yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. This place is a _ mess, _ you need to get a grip and tidy up”

Martyn pulls the duvet off of Phil, it was how their mum used to do it when they were younger and wouldn’t get out of bed to get ready for school. He throws it to the floor.

_ “Get. Up” _He demands. “You’re gonna tidy this apartment now!”

“Stop treating me like a child” 

“Stop fucking acting like one” Martyn retorts “You’re 32 years old, Phil, I shouldn’t have to come here and remind you to look after yourself. I do it because I’m a decent person and you’re my brother, but this is getting exhausting”

Phil sits up on the sofa. He grabs the duvet from the floor and pulls it back over himself. 

“Fuck you” He mumbles.

Moments later he hears the front door slam shut. 

Once again he’s alone with his thoughts.

*

It’s late. Phil is still sitting in the dark, the TV turned itself on standby hours ago. He thinks he might have slept through the whole day, either that or he zoned out for 7 hours, he’s not really sure.

Time doesn’t feel real today.

He misses Dan, and sure, they’ve been apart before but not like this. Not in this way. Before they were only a skype call from each other and now… now Dan is across the city with the only means of communication being visitation 3 times a month and a rush phone call at an inconvenient time of day. 

All their interactions are monitored by guards. Every little thing is watched closely, listened to, observed in detail. There’s no privacy anymore.

Phil looks around the room, It’s dark, he can’t see much but he still manages to feel the heartache that the room brings. This was _ their _happy place, where they could just be them. There were no prying eyes in here, no fans trying to get the inside scoop on their relationship. They could just be themselves and in love without fear. 

Now this place reminds him of all the things he doesn’t have. 

He turns on the lamp beside the chair, the dimly lit room is a mess. He sees it now. He gets why Martyn was so angry.

Maybe he should call his brother, maybe he should apologise.

Maybe he should tidy up. 

Phil picks his phone up from the coffee table. 

_ 10 missed calls - Mum _

He runs his hand through his hair, this was just what he needed right now. He could ignore her, and for a moment he considers it but he quickly finds himself dialing her number.

“Pack a suitcase” Kath says sternly “You fly from Heathrow to Isle of Man tomorrow, Martyn is picking you up at 9am”

“Mum I…”

“No excuses Phil, I’m worried about you and I need to keep an eye on you”

“Mum, I’m fine”

“Phil, you’re not fine and I’m not asking you to come here… I’m telling you. You’re coming here”

Phil knows he’ll regret it later but he hangs up on her. He throws his phone against the wall, maybe he’ll regret that later too.

He curls up back on the sofa. He wished he could talk to Dan.

That’s all he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @ ThrivingHowell


End file.
